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"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 30 mph (the speed limit is 50) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.
She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this assh*le?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 19, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offence."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offence."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.
She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.
I don't think there's any difference between the pope wearing a large hat and parading around with a smoking purse and an African painting his face white and praying to a rock.
- Howard Stern
"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion."
- John Adams (2nd President of the United States)
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
- Albert Einstein
"Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private schools, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and the state forever separated."
- Ulysses S. Grant
The Negotiation
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and
shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "$75"
Man: "Fine"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I
sold them." "How much did you sell them for", asked his father? Boy: "$100"
Father: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way
more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make
you confess," They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here,"
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
